I met “Jake” on Tinder. We texted for one month before I met him. For our first date, we drank coffee and talked about books and movies. We didn’t smooch, but we kept on texting. Last week, he invited me to a concert on Saturday. However, when Saturday rolled around, as I was leaving my house to meet him, he told me he had to cancel our plans because his friend was in town. As annoyed as I was, I said it was fine, and asked him if he wanted to go to a birthday party with me later, but he declined. And that was it. We haven’t texted since and I kinda miss him. I don’t know if he’s not talking to me because he doesn’t care anymore, or he thinks I’m mad (I’m not.) What should I do? Do I text him again or let it go? My friends said since he’s the guy, he should make the next move, but I find it sexist to assume he should make all the moves, so I’m on the fence. 

Oh man, these murky pseudo-dating waters are so confusing. That feeling in your stomach where you feel discarded, yeah, that’s real. I’m sorry. You had a great low-key hangout and some witty banter on text, but the fact he didn’t scramble to make up for his flakiness is a huge red flag.

I’m going to give it to you straight: I wouldn’t text him, not due to your gender roles, but because he’s already proved to be unreliable. You’ve had plans with him a whopping two times and he’s messed it up 50% of the time. Those odds aren’t great!

If he can’t treat your time with respect now, when the stakes are low, then how annoying would it be if you really needed him to follow through on something down the road and he pulled this crap? You’re in charge of protecting your heart and so far he’s doing a shitty job of putting your sense of well-being first.

Do you still want to text him to give him one more chance? Okay. Let’s play this out. Say you text him to meet up again. Sure, there’s a chance he’ll say yes and possibly flake when it’s time to meet up again. Or he’ll ignore your text and you’ll be even more frustrated with his bad behavior. What’s at stake is more than the few seconds you send the message. Your pride is mixed up in this, and you’re opening yourself up to further pain and humiliation by asking him out again. While it’s not his job to ask you out because he’s the guy, it his job to make you feel secure in this new relationship and he’s clearly not up to the challenge.

I know you miss your banter, but it sounds like he’s good for giggles but sucky at real life. My guess is that he liked the attention you gave him, but he’s not ready to take your relationship to the next level. Hence the mixed signals and his withdrawal.

Try to line up another date soon with someone else if you can to take your mind off it. Spring is around the corner and before you know it, you’ll be at pool parties, barbecues, and house parties. You’ll meet plenty of other guys soon enough. Keep it movin’, delete his number and don’t look back.